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It's really no wonder where this comes from. I'm experiencing the subtle & not so subtle unrelenting push for me to move back to Garden Grove ...specifically from Dad. It's the, "I support you, but I really want you to come home," back tracking... The, "Well I help you financially... Aren't I entitled to being able to share my honest opinion?" ...the poking his head in the room to tell me, "You know, I took the day off to spend time with you," when in fact he has been doing business paperwork & calls in the dining room all day. If he wanted to actually DO ANYTHING with me, he could have communicated & planned something with me. It is passive aggressive manipulative guilt tripping, whether he realizes he is doing it or not. Working on breathing exercises & mindfulness to keep from being overcome by my frustration. My anger hardly serves me well. In the past, I'd get flustered & doubt if I was a good person. Also, I end up irrationally displacing that anger elsewhere. If you can't freely get support from/depend on your parents emotionally, of course even offers of help from others are challenging to accept. That reminds me of a favorite scene of mine in the Hunger Games book. Peeta tossed bread to Katniss when she was collapsing from starvation as she passed his home. Ahe knew she was failing to provide food for Prim & Mom. It wasn't portrayed clearly enough in the movie. That was the source of her aversion to him; it was the debt she felt unbidden over her head. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. | ||||||||||||
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Kinnaree
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April 26th, 2012
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Had a mild freakout bc A) Joseph changed his summer plans from a heavy school load to no classes. There are other factors, (job promotion & family) but I don't want "spending time with me" to be a major one ...at this point. B) I got the idea Joseph is planning on treating me to yoga classes with him - which are not at all cheap. I wrote him: "Ok, I'm very relieved to know that. Also, wanting to take time to be with your grandpa when he visits is really very sweet. As to yoga: yes, I would love going slow with you. There's just the obvious issue of money for classes. I don't have it. Now I may be jumping the gun on this one, but you haven't been subtle at all about your desire to buy things for me. And you know I'm not comfortable with the idea... I hate owing people things. Help (I learned growing up) almost always comes with a price tag, usually some forfeit of personal freedom. More often than not, I struggle with knowing if or when it is ok to ask for it. Logically I know that exchange of freedom for aid isn't inherently bad. I'm self aware enough to realize that I want to have enough trust in someone to be as comfortable with receiving as I am giving. My point is, I want to trust you... & if my hunch is correct about the classes, I want to say I have't agreed or disagreed to the idea yet, but a yoga class is exactly the kind of gift I'd appreciate most (over say, "pretty things"). So um... Basically, I look forward to learning yoga from you & am open to the idea of progressing from there." Now to find work, so I can fucking stay in the Bay Area. And you know, maybe get some painting done. And some god damned normalicy. Christ. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. | ||||||||||||||||
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April 20th, 2012
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| 4-20-12 THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Gabi 2. Lexi 3. Brie THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. mataharikinnaree 2. Briella 3. alovershescaIIed THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. Strong legs. 2. My smile. 3. My D-cups bebe (loosing weight, though, so probably back down to C soonish) THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. Unbalanced strength in some muscle groups 2. Weak left ankle 3. Allergies/Eczema THREE PHYSICAL THINGS OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ABOUT YOU: 1. My smile 2. My curves 3. My strength THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Filipino – Mom 2. Italian - Dad’s Dad 3. Alsace - Dad’s Mom THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Losing control of my life 2. Letting myself down 3. Regret THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Moments of quiet reflection 2. Morning latte 3. The color green THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. Boxers 2. Cotton t-shirt 3. comfy soft leather loafers THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS: 1. Florence + The Machine 2. Elvis 3. Glen Miller THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: 1. Madonna - Human Nature 2. Florence + The Machine - Seven Devils 3. Radiohead - Talk Show Host THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: 1. GOOD Communication 2. Trust 3. Similar goals TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order): 1. I'm extremely direct. 2. I'm arrogant. 3. I'm depressed. THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1. A thick strong build. 2. Dark soft hair for me to run my fingers through. 3. Eyes… just, expressive soulful eyes; blue, green and honey especially. THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1. Reading 2. Journaling 3. Trying out interesting restaurants and cafés avec mes amies. THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Money so I can have more security. 2. To achieve more balanced physical fitness. 3. A secure job. THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: 1. Art director: like a teacher, for professionals. 2. Independent freelance illustrator 3. Coffee shop/art gallery/music venue owner. THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Japan 2. India 3. Thailand THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE: 1. Rex 2. Caleb 3. Bernard (King, Dog-like/loyal, Brave as a Bear) 1. Kiley 2. Brenda 3. Alexandria (Grace, Sword, Defender of Men) THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Build a company/publication/location that enables people to better help themselves (vague, I know). 2. To travel on adventures across the world to meet as many people as possible. 3. To raise an extremely close and strong family. THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A DUDE: 1. Assertive and confrontational 2. Dense 3. Quite verbal about focus on sex THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL: 1. I love well tailored clothing, purposefully styled hair, and make-up. 2. I love to dote, mother, take-care-of, spoil rotten my significant other 3. Muy importante: Please kill all the spiders, take out the trash, and try not to smell too bad OMG THREE FIVE CELEB CRUSHES: 1. Jensen Ackles (HOLY FUCK) 2. Tom Hardy (UNHOLY FUCK) 3. Ryan Gossling (HEAVENLY FUCK) 4. Chris Hemsworth (GODLY FUCK) 5. Karl Urban/Misha Collins/Sebastian Stan (God Damned Husband Material Right Thar) Blast from April 2005: THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Gabrielle 2. Brie 3. Gabi THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. TokyoGirl (<—in Jr. High, OK!) 2. Briella 3. alovershescaIIed THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. Soft shiny hair 2. My smile. 3. Breasts? I dunno, I (like Jeff of BBC’s Coupling) love breasts in general LOL! THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. That I’ve let my tummy go blaaaaah 2. That my eyes get all anime-ish when I smile. like so: ^_^ 3. I’d have liked to have been a bit taller, or longer of torso, rather... THREE PHYSICAL THINGS OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ABOUT YOU: 1. My smile seems to help people feel better when they don’t know me yet. 2. My hair gets pet a lot >:P 3. ...hm. I’m nice and warm to hug apparently. THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Filipino – Mom 2. Italian - Dad’s Dad 3. French/German—Dad’s Mom THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Being abandoned 2. Dying alone in the dark. 3. Dying in some freakish death like on all the CSI eps I watch! 0.o! THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Sunshine. Or else I get lazy. 2. (of late) Espresso… usually con pana. *^^* 3. Lotion! THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: (my work “uniform”): 1. Black dress slacks. 2. Fitted white shirt. 3. My favorite comfy puma sneakers. THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS: 1. (Early) No Doubt 2. The Beatles 3. Glen Miller THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: (these things change with my general mood, so… as of tonight) 1. Edwin Collins - A Girl Like You 2. Santana - Black Magic Woman/Gypsy Queen 3. Foo Fighters - Darling Niki THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: 1. GOOD Communication 2. Trust 3. Sexual Chemistry ... mmm TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order): 1. I didn’t get an coffee stains on my white shirt at work tonight. 2. Tom came over for a whole pilates work out with me this morning. 3. I didn’t miss driving my car with the top down in the bright sunshine today. *grumbles* THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1. A slender strong build. (No softies!) 2. Dark soft hair for me to run my fingers through. 3. Eyes… just, expressive soulful eyes. THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1. Reading 2. Cruising 3. Trying out interesting restaurants and cafés avec mes amies. THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Money so I can move with more security… and maybe buy some skirts from anthropologie 2. Nick. HUG ME PLEEEEEASE *cries for affection* 3. To get out of this artistic funk so I can finish my damned painting for tomorrow. THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: 1. Grade school teacher. 2. Professor at a community college. 3. Owning my own café. THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Japan 2. India 3. China THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE: I always wanted three boys and to name them after the Archangels 1. Michael 2. Gabriel 3. Raphael THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Build something that helps people in third world countries to thrive. 2. To travel on adventures across the world to meet as many people as possible. 3. To raise a close family, ie not one filled with black sheep/feuds. THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A DUDE: 1. I am aggressive/have a fiery temper that flares up easily… though it is easily quelled w/ no long lasting grudges. 2. Not subtle/blunt/has a hard time with “womanly” communications 3. Don’t ever really hang out with the ladies and do girly things like shopping in groups (ack!). THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL: 1. I LOVE the vintage styles of womanly dress; A-line skirts and pinched waists. Ooo and shoes! 2. I love to cook and pamper with wine-ing and dine-ing. 3. I… worry a lot, or rather, as most of the guys say, “think too much.” THREE FIVE CELEB CRUSHES: 1. Jimmy Stewart 2. Elvis 3. Nicholas Cage 4. Eleanor *shudders* 5. Devon Aoki | ||||||||||||||
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amusedApril 18th, 2012
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| I'm quickly going broke, do not have a job that will sustain me through the summer, have a large impending car bill, have a bunch of other small bills (old comcast and pg&e once my ex-roomie shows me an actual statement), and still have a metric shit ton of heavy stuff to move before the month ends. That said, I'm refusing to be overwhelmed. I have far too much at stake to let my old habits take over. I'm taking a lot of time out to enjoy fresh air and being outside. I work at maintaining perspective on my problems, keeping calm and being in a state of mind that enables me to best deal with this incoming storm on my own. I'm making a revised to-do list: -I need to print out a bunch of hard copies of my resume and just go around the city (done this before, can do it again) -Stock up on cheap dry goods -pick up medication refills -take car in here in SF (not driving it south and making things worse, which was the proposed idea) -rebuild structure in my daily life so that I get better sleep and more done I was at a music venue a few weeks ago. I was chatting with a beautiful woman who was also waiting at the door. She was African, so much taller than me, and she had these amazing golden eyes. I told her that I'd come by myself and she gave me a warm smile and said, "So you're a lone wolf too?" "If I could just get a chance, I'd prove myself." But this is how it works: -you prove yourself to get that chance. -you understand that every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. -accept that it is never going to be easy it; but know that it will be worth it. | ||||||||||
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April 14th, 2012
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 So, I've kind of been going on a lot of first dates, just meeting people, making some new friends. A big part of why I date is the challenge to remain in the present with someone, and to focus on enjoying that moment. I don't really consider the future because atm it is fairly uncertain. It has become an exercise in putting a stop to my tendency to over-analyze. Also, I find novelty an attractive and exciting indulgence/ stress relief. Nothing (with anyone local) really sparked, until Joseph. I had no inkling of things going at all differently with him. Even after our fist date, I was incredulous about it going anywhere. I assumed I weirded him out, as I seem to with anyone I meet outside my usual context.Here is the totally new age-y thing I told Joseph while we sat on the beach enjoying the full moon: I asked the universe for a specific kind of someone, and then put myself out there so as to meet with it half way. I thought that he was the universe's answer. He responded enthusiastically and affectionately. Though I had gotten relaxed enough to share that thought, I immediately tensed up again and said nothing. I struggle between my need to remain authentic and my desire to be friendly and appealing. I'm probably the worst person to meet on a date. I'm in this awkward position of liking him a lot ....but I'm skeptical and don't want to get carried away. Somehow despite this, I've kind of spent a lot of time with him this past week. I'm usually very very non-committal about plans (with everyone), preferring spontaneity. But I find the things he says, the way he acts, and just his being the dorky-kinda-zen-hippy that he is overrides that. He is surprising me a lot with his counter-intuitive approach to getting to know me, which is to say, his acceptance of who I am. He left me alone in his room with all his things one morning, and even piles of tip cash, when he went to a class. He nonchalantly invited me to snoop through his stuff if I wanted. This after I didn't let him look freely through my phone photos, "because they were private." One time, he was holding me and said, "I'm never going to get tired of touching you." We were in the dark and I didn't make a sound, but I couldn't help my eyes getting wet. I know some ran onto his chest, but he didn't say anything or change how he was holding me. The next day, because I wanted him to know he hadn't caused it, I told him that what he said had made me cry a little. He said he knew. I explained Matt's OCD-induced fear of touching me, and how it was just kind of a recent emotional hurt. He thanked me for sharing that with him, replied that he figured I would tell him the reason when I was ready to, and that he felt it was just his job to keep holding me. So, yeah, he doesn't try to force my trust. Still I experience these spikes of anxiety, this intense desire to run off and meet some random new person to shatter any dependance on Joseph for comfort. I'm trying to discern the source of this; is it based on real things I don't like about him? Moni put it bluntly over sushi the other night, "Cognitive behavior that shit!" So, obviously that is why I'm journaling stuff here. | ||||||||||
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April 10th, 2012
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| At times I keep my feelings deeply buried because they are so complex and intense that they frighten me. I know it is futile, but I try to ignore them. The more I try to do this, the more explosive things get when I eventually do express them. I've used the term "emotional vomit" to describe this before. That's what it kind of feels like, near uncontrollable and nauseating. I’ve scared people away with my intensity (a lot of almost friendships and romances come to mind). Then I'm left alone and confused because isn’t my love and attention they were just seeking? As with most things, I need to work on balance. I've been going on dates, partially because it is exciting, partially because I always enjoy the prospect of making new friends, and partially because I miss having a friendship with someone more intuitive/emotional than Moni and Nick. When I'm with them, I am the "class clown," kind of the social glue, and generally the director of plans. I am energized by this, but I have a downtime where I feel I lack having someone in my life that I can trust to enthusiastically take over the wheel. Matt was good at this, and between him and Moni it was a nice balance in my life. When it comes to discussing feelings, I hit a wall pretty quickly with Moni (as she is acutely logical, and very quick to cut people out of her life) and not too far beyond that is Nick, who I think I just overwhelm. And as much as Matt and I seemed like eager playful puppies to most people, alone we felt free to be more serious and emotional. We were both (maybe overly) optimistic. We'd alternate buoying each other up ...well, until we didn't. So I have been looking for a connection with someone more in tune with their emotions, someone high energy/high enthusiasm, someone I can trust to take me on as many exciting adventures as I take them. I've met a lot of interesting people, and even had a sort of a fling with an old online crush, but now I know I have met someone really special. Joseph is a sweet and dorky bartender I met up with at Toy Boat Dessert Cafe. Since then we've gone out on little treks here and there together. Initially I thought he was kind of spacey and uninterested. I've gotten to the point where I don't bother as much with putting forth my "best self" on initial dates, because I'd rather know sooner than later how someone is really going to react to me. I'm still displeased with myself for being all cutesy girly with Tom. I mean, of course I am cutesy and girly, but as Nick once put it, sometimes socially (out of nervousness) I take it too far. Lately I've been better at caring less/putting a lot of pressure on myself. With James, I was pretty frank, and long term the benefit was quickly understanding it twas not a match. Sitting across from Joseph, at first I noticed his eyes scanning down to my cleavage a lot (I admit I wore that dress for that reaction) but as time passed his eyes were mostly all over the cafe and not on me. I told him I noticed his eyes drifting elsewhere and that if he was bored, no hard feelings as I'd rather we not waste each other's time out of politeness. Unlike a lot of people have gotten flustered, that had the opposite effect: he laughed really hard and said, "I like you." That kind of was the turning point, discussing a mutual desire for/love of straightforward communication. His first degree was in photography, though he has just enrolled at city college with plans to transfer to Berkeley for another degree in engineering (?). But can talk visuals with him, which is nice. He's 6 foot, broad shouldered, has lots of soft hair (usually under his baseball cap), has a cute nose, is scruffy and has the most amazing eyes! They're hazel in the center and very blue on the outside. It fits, I think, as he is such a Pisces (particularly in that he actually is really into astronomy --like every other Pisces I know-- and is a trained yoga instructor). He's from Detroit, but lived for years as a construction worker/handy man in Hawaii. He travels a lot, is super close to his 6 siblings who all live in the bay area now, and he loves baseball, (is both a Tigers as well as a Giants fan). He lives at Baker Beach <3, so one night we trekked down to the water under the full moon, which was especially (innocently) fun. I learned that night that he used to play a hunter in World of Warcraft too (though a horde tauren!) so I got joke and nerd out about that with him too. I had to cancel on our Presidio hike, and to make up for it decided to surprise him at the bistro he works at with a dozen donuts. This lead to my meeting his room mates who also loved donuts. :) I have since enjoyed waking up to the sound of waves crashing on the beach, and having morning coffee with the house cat on the couch. I appreciate that he hasn't rushed me at all into anything physical (or demanded commitment stuff), and he's asked me to spend the night just cuddling. I've been pretty afraid to admit it to myself until today, but I really like him. He hasn't been clingy nor has he been aloof, just a sweet chatty balance that has allowed me to feel comfortable moving forward. Sleeping together for the first time was pleasantly intense. And went on for hours and hours! (new achievement unlocked?) It was exciting in a playful way instead of the sort of "dangerous" way being with T had been. And instead of anxious, I still feel excited about seeing him. Which reminds me, I am about an hour late!! >.> Ffffff | ||||||||||
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March 27th, 2012
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Wore heels for a date and ended up getting blisters, so I couldn't do my jog from the Palace of Fine Arts to the Golden Gate Bridge and back. I was feeling anxious and I knew exercise would help, so I just walked it. At that slower pace I was able to take in more of my surroundings; the waves, the joggers, the happy dogs...       Matt called me as I was leaving GGB and I shared the rest of my walk with him. I enjoy our conversations that only seem to end when someone gets sleepy. I walk a fine line with my exes. I'm currently staying with one, who my feelings for are strong but more like family love than romantic. Even Kevin and I are on good enough terms where he has expressed a strong interest in visiting with his current girlfriend. I hate the idea of loosing a loved one, "forever." It seems so unnecessary given how few people actually leave a strong impression on my heart. I focus on my love for them, my desire for the person's happiness and try to balance it within safe boundaries to protect myself. I've often failed and given up too much or not enough. I don't regret the things I've done for love. I only regret the not doing certain things out of fear. It feels like a debt over my head. I realize with Matt, most of all I miss his companionship. He has told me countless times, "You'll never loose my friendship, Gabi. I love you. And I will always love you." I believe that completely. It is the romantic acts of loving that I've lost, but that connection or chemistry that allowed our personalities to sync up so well always remains. We talked for well over an hour about what we liked/disliked about the Hunger Games movie, about exercise, AUU people gossip, and eventually to my evening of post-must-find-housing emo. His support was like a hug, though obviously a real hug would have been wonderful. He told me about how after 5 dates he had to drop dating this girl because he and she didn't have anywhere near the chemistry or common interests that he and I did. We talked about dog breeds that we liked and would want someday. In late Jan/early Feb, we would talk every day, sometimes several times a day, for hours as we each worked on paintings a country apart... Then, when talking to him about having to find a new situation on super short notice, he defended Michael's desire for $ to me. That was a betrayal that hurt more than expected and I (again) stopped initiating contact with him. I realize he was mostly defending himself, because I had vented at him for leaving me alone to deal Michael's BS. He felt attacked, and I felt betrayed. Since then it has been easier not to call him even when everything around me seems to bring up a memory. I try to let myself get excited about meeting new people, new potential friends, new persons who might just be awesome in a new and unknown way... though I don't pin hopes on any one date. Matt being 2k+ miles away helps me from relapsing into depending on him.. and gives him the space and time to appreciate how much he wants my friendship/love. We obviously miss each other, but I want a significant other that I can do things with. Matt is so afraid of his OCD spikes in doubts, he feels safer with the distance and just wants to keep talking a lot. I'm not willing to settle for an severely uncertain long distance romantic relationship, especially with the mental/financial situation he is in. So I vent about it here so I don't have to keep thinking about it. I try to focus on about putting myself in dating situations, so each time it is a little easier. I haven't really felt a spark with anyone (except Tom, which is moot at this point because I'm a big weirdo who scared him off with my animated gifs and humorously saucy text messages). Brendan was a beautiful, tall, built, Irish construction worker with gold hair such clear blue eyes! But he was really stupid and willfully ignorant, and even poked fun at my using words he didn't know (for example, "vapid" HA!). BLEH! I have met three different Bens! One just wanted sex (which was fine), another was really religious (not fine at all), and the third was really boring to talk to. That leaves upcoming dates with Tyler the witty sperm scientist, JP who wants to take me hiking around the Presidio, and Brad the UI designer who wants to go rock climbing. At least I'm getting out more? I think Matt put it best, both he and I miss spending time with someone we can be safely and totally ourselves around. It is such a rare thing to have found a person with the specific combination of traits and tastes that allowed us to be able to finish each other's sentences or to just be around each other and be content b/c we both want to do the same thing (paint and watch silly sweet movies). I understood Matt better than he did at times... and I know he could read what was going on with me, even when I was oblivious. We were like light for each other in the dark. I try to remind myself that if keeping that kind of love going was easy, then it wouldn't be so rare, right? I need to care and being cared for, I need that kind of family support with a person to hold and be held by at the end of the day. I want that again, even if it is with someone not Matt. Yet, the 11 year old in me wants to go up to Matt and kick him in the shin for being so frustratingly far, dense, and fearful. I know, though, that where that to happen, the 11 year old Matt would just lock me in a big bear hug for the small moment it takes for my anger to melt. I'd pout and he'd laugh and then we'd both go to the kitchen for some dark chocolate then get back to our painting and disney re-runs. There I go again looking backward when I need to be looking forward. *sigh* | ||||||||||
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March 26th, 2012
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| So after I don't know how many interviews/visits all over the city, yesterday I finally found a new place to rent. Instead of feeling relief after, I was just overwhelmingly depressed. I got drinks at a pub with Moni and she suggested it might be because I have been in survival mode for the past few weeks, that I haven't allowed myself to feel anything until now. The idea was not uplifting. I could not return to where I have been crashing, my friend Nick's place, till he was done with his super late night work shift. Tired & with no where really to go, I ended up back at Crissy Field. I always tell myself that I need to get out more, but lately I really haven't had much of a choice. I end up at the beach a lot, jogging, reading, just sipping a latte & staring out at the sea. It's a lot like high school, when after a particularly bad fight with my mom, I'd drive down to Laguna at night. At the time the road was narrow, unlit, & often foggy - magical & otherworldly. My spot was so removed from everything when I'd sit out on the rocks. The sky was darker, the stars brighter. I always found comfort in the rhythmic crash & hiss of the gray-capped black waves. In San Diego I always went to the cliffs at Black's Beach. It was the same thing, I'd take a break from life & go blank & rest. I find it near impossible to stop thinking & just relax except places like the beach. Last night, though, was different. It started to rain & I just couldn't stop the cyclical thoughts that always lead back to, "No one will ever really love you because you're selfish and evil." I kept thinking of all the people I've hurt, all the people I've let down, all the opportunities I have wasted. The night before I saw Hunger Games with some friends. Sitting in the theater, my mind kept returning to reading the book in bed with Matt each night. He called me while I was waiting at the pub for Moni just to tell me how much he loved the movie. He told me he misses me, that he realized how special what we had was. This stuff makes me feel chaos inside, like I don't even know if I'm hurting or happy. It is just overwhelming and it makes me anxious. But instead of figuring out my feelings or finding peace at the beach, I just felt the chaos more acutely. Maybe it is bc he and I shared this spot? I feel like I need to laugh, cry, scream & throw up all at once. And it is so exhausting. Yesterday I guess I was just so tired, I just keeled over & let it continuously kick me in the gut. I hate being incapacitated like that, being defeated by something just in my head. It is over, he's gone, why am I still struggling? Why do I keep finding reasons to be repulsed by the people I date? Why do I miss him so much? It was never this bad with Nick (I was mostly angry or annoyed, and it was for a shorter period of time). Tonight I avoided pubs & the beach, and instead relegated myself to a bookstore that stays open late. I read through a lot of children's picture books for artistic inspiration. Normally drawing or researching lifts my mood, but being homeless makes it hard to paint. I've been haunting the Powell building at night & painting (shittily I might add) on the lab machines. Lately all I make looks like embarrassing garbage. On my way back "home," I stopped to take in the view of downtown and the night sky. I saw a shooting star, my second ever. The first one I saw on warm summer night while sitting on the beach 6 months ago with Matt. I made a wish on it and then we made love there. Then he took me driving down the dark windy roads in that little red convertible just fast enough for me to be both thrilled & a little scared. We got back to our bed & he was insatiable. Come the following November he avoided even touching me... Logically I can understand how that came to be, but it feels like I'm just trapped in a bad dream. Part of me is waiting to wake up from this, and another part is disgusted at how patheticly weak I'm being. | ||||||||
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March 10th, 2012
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So, despite just writing about how I hate dating, I went on a date tonight... and it was AWESOME! Not so much because there was this spark of romantic connection, mostly just because it was a lot of fun. B asked me if I wanted to hang out and watch a movie. I'd gotten off work, my roommate was out partying, and I just felt awake and ready to be doing something... not just relaxing with a glass of wine and season 2 of Adventure Time. So his invite was well timed. We met up at this cute tea lounge in a really nice part of Oakland (I had no idea there was a nice part of Oakland lol) and talked a bit over drinks before heading back to his apartment. He's a children's counselor, went to Notre Dame, is a published author, and told me very frankly that he was autistic. It is odd the things that delight me; I was so happy he shared that right away without guilt, totally owning it as a part of himself... I was impressed. On the walk up to his place he mentioned the game Go, and I responded by telling him that learning that game was on my bucket list. This turned out to be quite a pleasant surprise for him, as apparently he is quite into it. Instead of watching a movie, he busted out a beginner's board and he taught me how to play. I was very excited because (little known fact) I love 1v1 games like chess (or Magic the Gathering). Matt and I would often play a game of chess and then later MTG right before bed. The good natured competition coupled with the intellectual challenge sets an excellent stage for delightful flirting. Mmmm :) We talked about living authentically. His area of expertise is working with gifted kids which I found sincerely fascinating. I wish he'd shared more about himself, but he just got extremely focused on explaining Go and then I got extremely focused on not loosing my first game of Go... and then somehow World of Warcraft came up and well, "serious discussion" devolved into serious nerdy smack talk... as I won at Go! While I'm happy to report I did not loose, it wasn't much of a win, b/c he played with a handicap. But I have to say, THAT is the way to teach someone something new! Dominating someone right away (I've see/experienced this so many times) just makes the first impression a negative one and that's counterproductive! Anyway.. During the game (which is an AWESOME game! I am SO hooked! And by that I mean I'm currently playing it on my other monitor. No Seriously.), I think he rather enjoyed watching me focus. Apparently he got tense enough where he was clenching his teeth. That surprised him so much he pointed it out to me and even had me put my palm against this cheek. He also expressed a distaste for aggression, which I thought was kinda eh. But I just re-acquainted myself with the actual definition of aggression (vs say assertiveness) and that makes more sense now. At the time though, I think I just quirked up my eyebrow and asked him, "What, you don't like aggression?" Aiya, competition is so sexy! Ya, so the game didn't last much longer... While being physical, I sadly but unsurprisingly, put off my own physical pleasure. I realize it is a vulnerability thing. I find it fun and easier to focus on my partner. It is extremely difficult for me to orgasm without an emotional surrender... which is very difficult if I've say, only recently met you. Physically I am not a conservative person at all... but emotionally I am walled up, & find trusting people difficult. I know this stems from physical and psychological beatings I took as a child and young adult. I also realize I don't exactly have a history of falling for guys who have liked me back. My first serious boyfriend, Kevin, was amazing at making me feel unworthy of his romantic attentions... and let's just say Matt's OCD spikes did not help (though it was NEVER near as bad as Kevin -- and Matt did make me feel treasured as a person always). Reflecting on my first foray into "real adult dating" with Tom, I regret not being better able to articulate this to him sooner. I regret sleeping with him so soon because it made things that much more confusing for me.. which resulted in a much more hot& cold version of myself spending time with him. Tonight I was confident, relaxed enough and guilt free about enjoying another man's company. I was me comfortable in all my frank, assertive, nerdy, weirdness... and it felt great to be very very appreciated for being so. By "playing the roll" of the blushing shy date, I felt very little confidence in the idea that Tom liked the actual Gabi. I mean, it is good that I got out and dated, as I am the type that learns by doing (vs learns and then does). But the more I learn about Tom now, the more attractive he gets. I mean, he is still cocky and was totally putting up this moxy facade when we went out the first time. But I have to admit that was exciting. And once he was more emotionally vulnerable around me (mostly I'm guessing b/c of the other person he was seeing), I saw a sweetness to him that I liked and haven't found in anyone I've dated since. The fact that he is huge internet dork (much like myself), AND is an illustrator, AND is totally my type physically (unlike B, who is more cute than sexy), just makes me want to head-desk all the more when I think about it. But I guess the moral of the story, kids, is that there are plenty of fish in the sea and one shouldn't settle for anything less than what they know they need. And after all of this new experience I've gathered this past year, I've come to realize a few simple truths to dating the Gabi succesfully: -Make me laugh. I was the funny one tonight and that is probably why, even though we had a great time, I'm not feeling giddy excitement over B atm. -The easiest way to a Gabi's heart is through her brain. As god damn sexy looking Matt is, what really hooked me was his intelligence. Now he is kind of spacey (much like myself) and is comfortable playing dumb (also, like myself in certain situations), he is incredibly smart. I fell IN LOVE with him when he was teaching me things, and when he was challenging my mind through competition or discussion. That's where the sparks came from. And those sparks burned down my walls instantly... and I was just on fire for him. -Be really fucking obvious. Because I am super dense and I just don't get it unless you're explicit verbally, and are constantly going out of your way to DO nice things for me. In the 5 Languages of Love, -acts of service- are what translates to, "I love you," for me. And on that note, here's some sexy Elvis to reiterate that last point: :D | ||||||||||||
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March 9th, 2012
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 Lately I've felt really out of place.. I'm very happy and satisfied with my "self": I'm proud of all the work I've been doing and the independence that I have gained... Yet still I experience a strange sense of un-realness as I navigate each day. I suppose it has to do with sleeping on a couch in my office, not a bed shared with someone I trust who wraps their arms around me each night. I live in a familiar apartment that looks and feels very different from the "home" I fell in love with back in November 2010. My life style feels alien and temporary. It is kind of like I'm just holding my breath until whatever's coming ...comes. I have been put on hold, and I don't know what for. I hate dating. I hate it the same way I hate cheap candy and junk food: it looks appealing only because I'm so very hungry. To capitulate to this hunger (in the absence of a fulfilling relationship) has the same effect on my heart as KFC or Krispy Kreme has on my stomach; more than a taste and I feel nauseous. I hate the unnaturalness of it, the lack of common ground to start on, my mistrust of strangers without reference that spikes almost painfully. I don't enjoy being guarded and cold. I like to be playful and affectionate with people. | ||||||||
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Kinnaree
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